Closure
by cmfanbex
Summary: An old case comes back to haunt JJ. Warning: mentions of suicide.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Morgan sat at the table in the bar closest to the BAU offices and could feel the tension flowing from his body. They all, Garcia included, had just returned from a case. It was Thursday evening and when they had got back to Quantico and finished their paperwork Hotch had told them all to take a long weekend. For the first time in months the whole team had agreed to meet for a few drinks before going home to relax. Hotch and Rossi had gone home after a few drinks, but the rest of the team were partying hard. JJ had even decided to stay with Garcia for the night so that she wouldn't have to worry about being woken up by a demanding baby.

He looked around the table and smiled. Emily and Garcia were pointing at and whispering about a group of men stood at the bar who had apparently tried it on with Emily earlier in the evening. He smiled to himself – he wouldn't want to be them if the two ladies carried out their whispered plans. He could also see JJ teasing Reid who she had just thoroughly beaten at darts.

"My round" said Reid, obviously trying to distract JJ from her teasing.

They all placed their orders and Reid made his way to the bar. Morgan noticed that JJ had stuck to soft drinks all night and turned to ask her why.

"I want to be able to drive home early tomorrow" she said, pre-empting his question. "I haven't seen Henry for days. I needed to come out tonight, but I desperately need to see him tomorrow."

"I can understand that" he replied.

At this point Emily and Garcia moved towards the dance floor and began dancing together, clearly trying to tease the men at the bar.

"They are totally determined to make those guys suffer, aren't they?" laughed JJ.

"You've got that right" Morgan replied. "I really wouldn't want to be in their shoes at the moment."

JJ was about to reply when her phone rang. She rolled her eyes, apologising to Morgan as she checked her caller ID. She immediately looked shocked and worried and stood up, making her way towards the exit. Morgan followed her, hoping it wasn't anything too serious, but wanting to be there just in case. She had answered her phone and he could hear her side of the conversation.

"Polly honey, are you OK?...Polly, I need you to calm down sweetie, I can't hear what you're saying."

Morgan could tell that JJ was trying to sound calm, but she was pacing the street outside the bar and her hands were shaking.

"Polly? Where are you?......Polly?" Her voice was urgent now, the panic showing.

"I need you to listen really carefully OK?......Polly? Are you listening?......OK. I need you to step back and sit down somewhere safe......Listen to me Polly. You've come too far to do this now. Please step back from the edge. I'm going to get in my car now. I can be with you in 4 hours and we can talk......Polly, please just step back from the edge! Whatever it is, we can work it out......Just step back, please.......Polly?.......Polly? Please Polly, don't do it!.....Polly?.....Polly?......No!"

She was yelling now and as she screamed the last word she turned back towards the building and viciously punched the wall. Morgan winced; she had hit with enough force to cause herself some serious damage, but she didn't seem to be feeling any pain as she went to hit the wall again. Morgan immediately grabbed her around the waist and pulled her into a hug. She struggled against him and tears were flowing down her cheeks.

"JJ? What is it?" he said, shocked by her reaction. She continued to struggle against him. He held her tighter and spoke calmly to her, stroking her hair as he spoke. "Come on JJ. I need you to calm down and tell me what has happened."

She stopped struggling and took a gasping breath. "Morgan, let me go" she said. "I'm going to be sick."

He pulled her gently over to the side of the road and loosened his grip. She fell to the floor and threw up in the gutter. He knelt down beside her, holding her hair and rubbing her back.

"Morgan?" He looked up at the sound of Emily's voice and saw the rest of their friends walking towards them with obvious concern in their eyes. Emily knelt down on the other side of JJ, who had stopped throwing up, and pulled her into a hug. She looked at Morgan questioningly. He shrugged – he was a confused as they were.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

JJ tried to take some deep cleansing breaths as she sat on the cold ground being held by Emily, but her head was spinning. Over the alarming white noise in her head she could hear Morgan trying to explain what had happened.

"Someone called her cell" he was saying. "She looked upset and came out here, so I followed her. It sounded like she was trying to talk somebody out of killing themselves – she kept asking them to step back from the edge. Then she shouted her name – Polly – and she just lost it."

She somehow felt calmer now that someone else had told the worst of the story for her, so she pulled herself out of Emily's embrace and spoke, her voice raw and full of tears.

"It was Polly Homefeldt – from the case in North Mammon" she said. She saw her friends nod in recognition, even Emily having some knowledge of the case, so she continued to explain. "I gave her my number at the end of the case and we've talked alot in the last few years. I'm pretty sure she's just jumped off the balcony at her college dorm."

She could feel herself beginning to break again; a fact that had clearly been noticed by her friends.

"Guys; we've got a bit of an audience here" said Garcia, indicating the growing crowd behind them. "I think we should find somewhere quiet so that JJ can tell us what has happened."

"You're right" said Reid. "It's only a 5 minute walk to the BAU. Do you think you could make it there Jayje?"

"I'm fine Spence" she snapped, starting to stand up. "There's nothing wrong with me – I just freaked out a bit."

She saw Reid and Morgan exchange a look and had to bite down an irritable reply; she knew she was snapping with no provocation, but she was confused and worried. She needed some time to process what had happened and to decide what to do next. She figured the walk to the BAU would give her that time, so she set off in the right direction, with Emily and Garcia flanking her and the two guys following behind.

Her mind continued to race with what had happened and how she had reacted. Had she said the right things? What had happened in the 2 months since she had last seen Polly to push her over the edge? What did she need to do now? How could she find out whether Polly had actually jumped? All of these thoughts, and more, were rushing around her head and she couldn't bring any order to them. This was so unlike her – she could normally think clearly no matter what was going on, but she just couldn't get her brain to process the abrupt change in her evening. She could feel herself panicking and could see her two friends exchanging worried looks. She really didn't want to worry them anymore than she already had so she made a supreme effort to calm herself. She managed to slow her breathing and organise her mind enough to realise that her first action, when they reached the office, needed to be to contact someone in Pennsylvania to find out what had actually happened.

Unfortunately, the act of calming herself had the unfortunate side effect of allowing some of the adrenalin to wear off and she became aware of a throbbing pain in her right hand. She raised it slightly to have a look and couldn't repress the sudden intake of breath as she recognised the damage she had done to herself. Garcia, who was walking on her right hand side, looked down at JJ's hand and immediately stopped walking, halting the others with the vehemence of her reaction.

"Shit JJ" she said, gently taking hold of JJ's arm. "What the hell did you do?"

JJ tried to shake her off and carry on walking, but she was penned in by her friends.

"She punched a wall" said Morgan. "It was a pretty impressive right hook, actually."

JJ looked at her hand again, taking in the blood and the swollen knuckles and cursed her initial reaction; she really hoped she hadn't broken anything. She didn't have time to go to the hospital.

"Look," she said forcefully, "can we deal with this when we get to the office. I need to get the number for the local PD in Pittsburgh so that I can find out what has actually happened."

Since they were already in sight of the entrance to the building the rest of the team could obviously find no reason to argue, so they continued their journey. They arrived at the building which housed the BAU, signed in and got into the elevator. As they were making their way towards the conference room, JJ's phone began to ring again.

She paled as she saw that it was Polly's number. She hoped it was Polly calling back to tell her she hadn't jumped, but she knew it was much more likely to be the first responder at the scene who had found Polly's phone and was calling her as the last number dialled.

"Polly?" she said hopefully.

"No Ma'am" came the reply. "This is Officer Sean Thomas of Pittsburgh PD. Can I ask who I am talking to?"

JJ's heart plummeted. She looked around for a chair, needing to sit done before she fell down. Morgan pulled a chair over to her and she sank into it.

"This is FBI Agent Jennifer Jareau. Is Polly OK? Did she...Is she...?"

"Miss Homefeldt is alive, Agent Jareau," said Officer Thomas, "but she did jump off a second floor balcony so she is seriously injured. She is unconscious and the EMTs are obviously worried about possible spinal injuries. Could I ask you how you know her?"

Not sure how she felt about Polly having survived with such serious injuries, she answered shakily; "My team and I worked a case in North Mammon three years ago. Polly and two other girls were kidnapped. One of her friends was killed. I gave Polly my card when we closed the case and we've kept in touch since then. Has her Mother been informed yet?"

"Not yet" Officer Thomas replied. "I've contacted the North Mammon Sheriff's office and they're going to send someone over."

"Could you do me a favour?" asked JJ. "My Aunt is a really good friend of Ms Homefeldt and she leaves nearby. Could you give me some time to call her so she can be there when the officers arrive?"

"I could ask the local PD to pick her up on the way" offered Officer Thomas. "That way she'll be there in time."

"That would be really helpful" JJ replied. "I'll call her now and warn her they'll be with her soon."

She gave the officer her aunt's name and address and finished the call by thanking him for his help. As she finished she held up her hand in a gesture to halt the wave of questions that was already coming from her friends. She dialled her aunt's number and waited.

"Hello?" was the sleepy reply.

"Aunt Kate? It's JJ" she replied.

"JJ?" Her aunt sounded worried. "It's nearly midnight! Is everyone OK? Henry?"

"Henry is fine" JJ reassured her. "It's Polly. She phoned me about 15 minutes ago from her dorm. She told me she was going to jump of the balcony. I tried to talk her down, but she wouldn't listen." She was crying quietly as she spoke and she felt Emily rubbing her back as she continued. "I've just finished speaking to the first responder. He told me that she did jump, but that she is still alive – badly injured, but alive. They're sending someone from your local PD to tell Judy, but they're going to pick you up first so you can be with her. Is that OK? I didn't want her to be on her own when she found out."

"That's fine sweetie. I'll get ready for them now" her aunt reassured her. "How are you JJ? Are you with someone?"

"I'm fine" JJ replied. "I'm not on my own. I was on a night out with the team when Polly called."

She heard a doorbell ring on her aunt's end of the phone.

"They're here" her aunt told her. "I'd better get moving."

"Will you call me as soon as you know anything?" pleaded JJ.

"Of course" her aunt replied. "Take care of yourself."

JJ felt a wave of exhaustion overtake her as she finished the call. She leant back into the chair and took a deep breath. She looked at her friends who were looking on with concern written all over their faces. She clearly owed them an explanation.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"What do you want to know?" Emily heard JJ ask.

"I think, before we talk about anything else, I need to check your hand out" Morgan stated firmly. Emily was glad that he had taken control of the situation.

"What are you going to do?" JJ asked cautiously.

"I'll just clean it up and check you haven't broken anything" he answered. "It'll hurt like hell, but I'm guessing you don't want to go to the hospital and I have, unfortunately, got plenty of experience with this kind of injury."

He had already collected a first aid kit and a bowl of water from the kitchen area. He gently took hold of JJ's hand and began cleaning the blood away. Emily saw JJ flinch with each gentle touch, so did her best to distract her friend.

"How frequently have you spoken to Polly since the case was closed Jayje?" she asked.

"It depends" JJ replied, still wincing. "When the case was first closed, both Brooke and Polly really struggled – naturally. Judy called me first because she was worried. Brooke and her father left town almost immediately and Polly had completely shut herself off. I went to see them when I was visiting my aunt one weekend. I spoke to Polly and managed to draw her out a bit. I left her my number and she started calling me. At first she was calling at least 2 or 3 times a week, but that dropped off when she started college...God Morgan, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm sorry Jayje" Morgan replied, not letting go of her hand. Emily could see that JJ was in alot of pain and leant in to see what he was doing. He was gently probing each knuckle with his thumb. "I'm just trying to see if you've broken anything."

"And?" JJ ground out.

Morgan finished what he was doing before replying; "You haven't broken your hand, but I'm pretty sure you've broken your index finger just below the second knuckle."

"Damn it" exclaimed JJ. "Does that mean I need to see a doctor?"

"Not unless you really want to" replied Morgan. "They wouldn't do anything other than strap it to the next finger, which I can do here anyway."

JJ looked relieved and held her hand out for Morgan to strap it up.

"Has Polly been OK since she started at college?" probed Emily, eager to keep JJ talking.

"It's been up and down" JJ replied. "At first she was doing really well, but then the court case started and both she and Brooke had to give evidence – that was about 18 months ago. Brooke took a fatal overdose just after he was found guilty and Polly has threatened it a number of times since. But she seemed to be so much better recently. I saw her at college two months ago and she was really happy and settled. She said she knew where she was going in life and finally felt that she had begun to move forward. I haven't spoken to her since – I assumed she was OK. Maybe if I'd called her sooner..."

Emily could see that JJ was blaming herself and was beginning to panic again. She took hold of JJ's left hand and looked her in the eyes.

"You couldn't possibly have known" she told her friend. "She would have called you if she had wanted to speak – you know that. In all honesty, you are probably the only reason she didn't kill herself when Brooke did. You have more than likely saved her life dozens of times in the last 3 years. Something has obviously happened recently to push her over the edge – something which you had no control over – and this time she didn't want to be talked out of it. She had made up her mind and there was nothing you could have done. You can't blame yourself JJ, you just can't."

"Then why did she call me tonight?" asked JJ passionately. "Surely that means that she wanted me to talk her down."

"Not necessarily JJ" Reid interrupted nervously. "She clearly called you because she trusted you, but it doesn't sound as if she gave you an opportunity to talk her down. My guess is that there was something else she trusted you to do. What did she say to you?"

JJ looked thoughtful. Emily could see that Reid's reassuring words were getting through to her and she was much calmer when she answered.

"I couldn't hear her at first," she answered, "because she was crying so hard. The first thing I heard was 'tell my mum I love her and I'm sorry – I just can't take this anymore'. After that she told me where she was and just kept repeating that she was going to jump and that she was sorry."

"She clearly didn't want to be stopped this time Jayje" Garcia said soothingly. "What she wanted was for you to be there for her mother. She trusts you to look after Judy and to pass on her last message. That's why she called you – not because she wanted to be talked out of it."

"In that case," JJ said, "I need to get ready to drive to Pittsburgh tomorrow so that I can speak to Judy."

"What about Henry?" Garcia queried. "I can have him for the weekend if you want."

JJ stood up and hugged her friend. "That would be amazing Garcia. Are you sure you don't have other plans?"

"Of course I'm sure Jayje" said Garcia. "I love spending time with him."

"In that case, I'll go home now and get some sleep" JJ planned. "Will is returning Henry in the morning. I'll bring him over to you by 10ish and then get on the road."

"That's perfect" said Garcia.

"Do you want some company for the trip?" Emily asked. "I really don't want you to have to do this on your own."

"You don't have to do that Em" said JJ, clearly touched by the offer.

"I know I don't" replied Emily simply. "I want to."

"Thanks Em" JJ said tearfully. "You guys have been fantastic. I don't know how to thank you."

"You don't need to baby-girl" said Morgan. "We're family, right?"

JJ hugged them all, before making her way down to the parking garage to collect her car before making her way home.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N Sorry this update has taken so long, but work has been a nightmare and this is the first opportunity I've had to get around to working on this again. It's going to be short I'm afraid, but I hope to get the next chapter up sooner this time!**

Chapter 4

Penelope Garcia opened the door to her apartment at just before 10 the next morning and immediately grabbed a wriggling, babbling Henry out of his Mother's arms, cooing as she led JJ and Emily inside. It had been agreed last night that Emily would pick JJ and Henry up, dropping the little boy at Garcia's before she and JJ made their way to Pittsburgh. She set Henry up in the playpen that she kept at her place for times like this and turned to offer her friends tea.

"We're going to get a move on" said JJ. "It's going to take at least 4 hours to get to Pittsburgh."

Garcia exchanged a concerned look with Emily. JJ had clearly not slept much, if at all, the previous night. Her face was drawn and she had heavy black circles under her eyes. Garcia knew not to comment on this, so merely accepted JJ's decision, asking, "have you had any more news Jayje?"

JJ sighed before answering; "My Aunt called me just after I got home last night" she answered. "It doesn't look good. Polly has serious head injuries and she has broken her C6 and C7 vertebrae. They don't know yet whether there is any damage to her spinal cord, but it looks likely. In which case, even if she does survive the head injuries, she will be paralysed from the neck down."

Garcia shuddered as JJ delivered the news in an almost entirely robotic manner. She was clearly trying to keep her emotions in check and was avoiding her friends' eyes as she was talking. It had become clear why she had struggled to sleep the night before. She walked up to her friend and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. Tears immediately sprung into JJ's eyes.

"You should have called one of us" Emily chided gently. "We would have come over."

JJ shrugged away from them and walked out of the room, seeking solitude in Garcia's bedroom. Garcia immediately went to follow her friend, but was stopped by Emily grabbing her arm and holding her back.

"Give her a few minutes" she said calmly. "She is desperately struggling to stay in control and I think the only way she is going to be able to do that is if she keeps some kind of emotional distance from us. As much as we want to comfort her, she can't cope with it. It makes the situation too real, too personal. We need to hold back, at least for now."

Garcia nodded, recognising the sense in what the profiler was saying.

"I don't envy you sweetie" she said to Emily, as they both sat down on the sofa. "The next four hours are going to be tough. It'll be difficult to keep any kind of distance when it's just the two of you."

Emily smiled wryly. "I've got at least 5 hours worth of ear splitting pop music. I'm hoping that'll fill the silence."

Garcia laughed quietly before standing up to find her other friend. JJ was leaning into the playpen to kiss her son good-bye when Garcia found her. Her eyes were red and she had obviously been crying, but she had already restored her face to its previous emotionless mask by the time Garcia had reached her. She quickly hugged Garcia before walking past her and calling to Emily that she was ready to leave. Emily got up from the sofa and followed JJ to the door. Garcia followed behind them.

"Look after her" she whispered to Emily, before calling out "I love you Jayje. Look after yourself."

She sighed as her friends disappeared round the corner and she turned back into her apartment.

"It's just you and me buddy" she said to Henry.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

JJ had turned the music off almost as soon as they had got into the car and they had sat in complete silence for the first 2 hours of the journey to Pittsburgh. Emily knew that the solitude was what JJ wanted, but the silence was killing her. It wasn't a comfortable silence; it was awkward and painful. Eventually, Emily couldn't take it anymore.

"It's 12:30" she said. "We should stop for lunch soon."

JJ merely nodded her agreement and they both fell back into the heavy silence. Twenty minutes later Emily pulled into the car park of a cosy looking diner. She turned off the engine and turned to her friend, saying "Do you want to call your aunt before we go inside?"

JJ pulled out her phone without responding to Emily's question. She dialled a number and held the phone up to her ear.

"Aunt Kate? ... We've just stopped at a diner on the I-70 near Everett. We're going to have something to eat. We should be with you in about 2 ½ hours. How is she? ... When? ... Why didn't you call me earlier? ... OK. Where are you now? ... No; I'm fine, honestly. We'll be with you as soon as possible. Thanks for doing this."

She ended the phone call, but made no move to get out of the car. She sat quietly, looking at her hands. Her face was grey and there were unshed tears in her eyes.

"Jayje?" she asked worriedly. She had a pretty good idea what had happened, but needed to be sure so that she didn't say anything to make things worse.

"She's gone." It was so quiet that Emily barely heard it. She leant over and pulled her friend into a hug. JJ immediately collapsed into the embrace and began sobbing. Emily held her tightly and stroked her back, all the time whispering calming phrases into her ear. After 5 minutes she began to get more worried when JJ's sobs showed no signs of calming. Concerned that she was going to make herself sick, she pulled back from the embrace and took JJ's face in her hands.

"JJ sweetheart," she said, "I need you to calm down. You're going to make yourself ill."

She watched as her friend tried hard to calm herself, breathing slowly and attempting to swallow her sobs. After a few minutes the sobs had stopped, subsiding to the occasional sniffle. Her face was still grey and she was clearly on the edge of her ability to cope, but she looked calm enough to carry on.

"I kind of knew last night, when my Aunt called me, that this would probably happen," she started without prompting, "but part of me still hoped that we'd get there and find out that the injuries weren't as serious as they thought; that she'd be OK in time. I shouldn't have been so stupid."

"Not stupid JJ" Emily said gently, rubbing her friend's arm. "It's natural to hold onto hope in a situation like this. The information you had last night was mixed. It's a natural human reaction to hope for the best. I would be more worried about you if you didn't."

JJ nodded, but didn't say anything. She looked exhausted and Emily made a judgement call that she wasn't up to eating in the diner.

"Do you need something to eat Jayje" she asked, "or do you just want to get to Pittsburgh?"

"I need to see Judy" JJ replied. "And, to be honest, I really don't think I could stomach any food at the moment. You should go and get something though. I don't want you to go hungry."

"I don't need anything Jayje" Emily replied, starting the engine again. "I've got some snacks in my bag if I get hungry. Where are we going now? I assume they're not at the hospital anymore."

"No, they've moved back to Judy's place in North Mammon" JJ replied. "I already put the address into the GPS before we left, just in case."

Emily nodded, before setting the GPS for the correct address and pulling back onto the interstate. They immediately lapsed back into silence, but this time the air had been cleared and it was more comfortable. After 10 minutes Emily looked over at JJ and saw that she was sleeping. She was glad that her friend had finally managed to get some rest. She clearly hadn't slept the night before and they had just come off a busy case where none of them had got much sleep. Emily estimated that JJ could only have got about 18 hours sleep in the past week, and that wasn't good for anyone, especially not someone who would need to be comforting a grieving Mother in a few hours.

She left JJ to sleep while she continued on her journey, with only the robotic instructions of the GPS system to keep her company. As they drove down the main street in North Mammon just before 3pm she reluctantly woke her friend by gently shaking her shoulder and calling her name.

"JJ. We're here" she said. "You need to wake up."

JJ's eyes fluttered open and Emily was pleased to see that, whilst obviously still tired and upset, she was no longer grey and drawn. The rest had done her some good. As JJ woke up properly, they turned into Judy's street and pulled up outside her house. Emily watched sympathetically as JJ attempted to ready herself for the task ahead.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N Just a quick warning that this is going to continue to be quite dark. This wasn't my intention when I started writing; I had planned to have Polly survive and have my usual happy ending, but for some reason it isn't working out the way I expected!**

Chapter 6

JJ stood on the sidewalk outside of the Homefeldt's house and waited for Emily to join her after locking up the car. She was feeling a little better after having slept, but she was very nervous about seeing Judy. Would Judy blame her for what had happened? She could understand it if she did; despite her friends' reassurances she still worried that she hadn't done enough to talk Polly down. She heard Emily approaching her and felt her friend's hand gently pushing her forward from behind. They silently made their way to the front door and rang the bell. After a few moments they heard footsteps and the door in front of them was opened. JJ immediately felt some of the tension leave her body when she saw that it was her Aunt on the other side of the door. Her Aunt stepped forward and pulled her into a hug, which she instinctively relaxed into. When she pulled back, they both had tears in their eyes.

"How is she?" JJ asked, wiping a stray tear from her cheek.

"Numb I think" Kate replied after a short pause. "She hasn't said much since...since Polly...umm..."

JJ could see that her Aunt was struggling to say the word, so she nodded encouragingly, indicating that she knew what she was trying to say.

"In the hospital," Kate continued quietly, "when Polly was still being treated, Judy seemed almost...unsurprised, like she had been expecting something like this to happen. She said a few things which sounded odd, you know, like she was resigned to Polly...dying."

"Did she say that anything had happened recently to set this off?" asked Emily.

This reminded JJ that she had failed to introduce Emily to her Aunt, so she did so quickly, explaining that Emily was a friend and colleague.

"I know who Emily is JJ" she said. "You've talked about her before."

She turned and pulled a very surprised Emily into a quick hug, saying, "I know that you have been there for JJ when she has needed you. Thank you."

Emily, looking embarrassed, said "She's been there for me too. You don't need to thank me."

Kate merely smiled before returning to Emily's previous question.

"Judy said that something had happened at college to upset Polly, but didn't explain what that was" she shrugged before continuing, "I think we had better go inside and you can talk to her yourself."

As JJ followed her Aunt into the house she could feel her earlier fears resurfacing. When she walked into the normally bright and airy front room she saw Judy huddled in one of the huge armchairs, staring into space. The curtains had been closed, blocking out all natural light, but there was enough light for JJ to note that Judy looked like she had aged 20 years since the last time she had seen her, mere months ago. Her skin was grey; she had dark smudges under her eyes and her posture screamed defeat. JJ instantly forgot her fears and moved to kneel down in front of the broken woman, taking her hands in her own.

"Judy" she said, her voice breaking slightly, "I'm so sorry."

When there was no response, she looked up into Judy's face and saw that there were tears streaming down it. She stood up, keeping contact with Judy's hands and sat beside her on the chair, pulling her into a gentle hug. Judy immediately let go and sobbed into the embrace. JJ busied herself with comforting the grieving woman, but could overhear Emily and her aunt talking.

"That is the first time she has cried" her aunt was telling Emily.

"That's natural" Emily replied quietly. "Sometimes it takes someone with a specific connection to the person to bring out the grief. I just hope JJ can cope with this. She's already taking this really hard."

"She'll be fine" her aunt said proudly. "She's strong."

JJ was distracted at this point by Judy pulling away from her and speaking.

"I should have called you weeks ago" she was saying, the feelings of guilt evident in her voice. "I knew she was spiralling, but she wouldn't call you and I didn't want to upset her anymore, so I just left it. This is all my fault."

"None of this is your fault Judy" she said, trying to sound calm. "If Polly didn't want to talk, there was nothing you could have done. Forcing the issue wouldn't have helped; it would have only pushed her away from you as well. She loved you Judy. The last thing she said to me was that she loved you and that she was sorry, but she just couldn't take it anymore. I think it was all too much for her and nothing anybody could say was going to change that. At least this way, she still felt that love at the end. She still had that; she still had you."

They were both crying now, as JJ pulled Judy back into a hug, rubbing her back and whispering soothing words. She noticed that Emily and her Aunt had left the room and could hear their voices coming from the kitchen, alongside the sounds of tea being prepared. After about 5 minutes she could feel that Judy had calmed slightly and she pulled back from the embrace, taking a tissue from the table beside her and offering it to her. Judy thanked her quietly and sat up slightly as she noticed the other two women entering the room with a tray set up with sandwiches and tea. JJ stood up and moved to the sofa, where Emily was already sat. She watched as her Aunt introduced Emily to Judy, before setting everybody up with food and tea, sitting down in the chair across from Judy and pressing her to eat something and drink some tea. Judy meekly did as she was told and there was silent as they all ate. JJ was really not feeling hungry, but ate anyway, knowing that neither Emily nor Aunt Kate would let her get away with not doing so. As they finished eating Judy began talking again, obviously needing to explain to JJ what had happened.

"She had been doing really well at college" she started. "She knew what she wanted to do with her life and she was actually getting there. You know that she had decided that she wanted to go into the FBI, don't you?"

Emily looked surprised as JJ hadn't shared this information earlier, but JJ merely nodded and encouraged Judy to continue.

"A couple of weeks ago an agent from the local office went in to Polly's Criminology class to talk about a career in the FBI" she explained. "She was really excited about it. I called her when I knew it would have finished, to see how it had gone, and she didn't answer. I kept on calling because I was worried and eventually she answered, but she was really distant and wouldn't answer my questions. I was just about to drive out there to see her when her Criminology lecturer called me. When she started at Penn State I went up and explained to her lecturers what had happened and they had been really supportive. Professor Leary had already called me a few times in the first year when she was concerned. It felt really good to have someone there to look out for her you know?"

Judy paused to finish her tea before she continued, obviously needing to take a moment before moving on to the difficult part of the story.

"Professor Leary told me that there was a problem at the FBI lecture" she explained. "She was really apologetic. Apparently, they hadn't thought to warn any visiting speakers about the situation with Polly."

JJ winced, immediately knowing where this was going.

"The talk had been pretty uneventful" Judy was saying, "until the end. When the agent asked if there were any questions, one student asked if he had ever heard of any really weird cases. Apparently the student had even mentioned the BAU in his question. The agent went on to describe Polly's case in detail. He didn't use names, but he did talk about North Mammon and he also told them exactly when it happened. Professor Leary said that initially Polly just froze, but then she just freaked out and ran. She tried to follow her, but Polly had already gone. I immediately drove up and spoke to Polly, but by that time people had already begun to ask questions and some of them had obviously worked out what had happened. Polly was completely shut down, like she was when it all happened. I told her that she should call you JJ, but she wouldn't; she completely clammed up. I can't understand it. She had always found talking to you so helpful. I don't know why she wouldn't talk to you then."

JJ's heart had dropped. She knew why Polly wouldn't speak to her. She wanted to kill that agent for telling that story, clearly for the sensational reaction that he would get.

"She couldn't talk to me Judy" she said shakily. She felt Emily put her arm around her waist, obviously knowing what was coming next, and wanting to protect her from it. Despite this comfort, she could already feel the tears beginning to form. "She couldn't talk to me because she blamed me. The FBI had let her down, had caused this huge problem for her. For Polly I was the embodiment of the FBI, so I had let her down. In her eyes it was my fault that everybody knew, that they were asking her questions. There was no way she could talk to me about the problem, because I, the FBI, had caused it."

"But you couldn't have known that this would happen" said Judy incredulously. "It wasn't you that told the story. How could she blame you?"

"JJ is right" Emily interjected, clearly able to see that JJ was struggling to keep her emotions in check. "For Polly the FBI and JJ were one and the same. Once the story had come out, she lost the ability to think about this logically. We can all see that JJ wasn't to blame, but we can pull ourselves back from the situation. Polly couldn't do that. She felt like JJ had betrayed her trust; she couldn't have spoken to her after that."

Judy looked like she was beginning to understand. She opened her mouth as if to say something, but was interrupted by the phone ringing. When Kate went to answer it, Judy spoke.

"JJ" she said tearfully, "you do know that this isn't your fault, don't you?"

JJ was devastated that Judy felt the need to comfort her when it was her daughter that had died, so did her best to reassure her.

"I know Judy" she said without emotion, not believing a word of it. "Please don't let that worry you."

At that point Kate came in to explain that the police in Pittsburgh were on the phone. They had apparently found some letters addressed to Judy and some other friends and family. They wanted to know whether somebody wanted to collect them or whether they should send someone to North Mammon with them. JJ immediately suggested that she and Emily drive to Pittsburgh to collect the letters. She desperately needed some time away from the house, to think and clear her mind. Kate explained to the officer that two FBI agents would be collecting the letters before hanging up. JJ hugged Judy quickly and suggested that she try to get some sleep while they were gone before following Emily back out to the car.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N Sorry for the long wait (again), but I've really lost inspiration with this story. I'm not particularly happy with this chapter, but I couldn't think of any other way to take it. Let me know what you think – any comments are appreciated.**

Chapter 7

As Emily walked towards the car, she looked worriedly at her friend. JJ was clearly deep in thought. Her eyebrows were furrowed and her hands were clenched at her side. As much as Emily desperately wanted to comfort her friend, she recognised that JJ needed to be left alone, at least for the time being. They both got into the car and Emily pulled away from the house, heading for Pittsburgh PD.

After 10 minutes of uncomfortable silence Emily heard JJ shift in the seat next to her. She quickly looked to the side and could see that JJ was looking intently at her.

"Why did she call me Em?" she asked quietly.

"What do you mean?" Emily asked, confused by JJ's question.

"Reid said Polly called me because she trusted me" JJ explained, "but that clearly wasn't the case. She had lost her trust in me; in the FBI. Why did she choose me as the person she wanted to speak to last?"

Emily really didn't want to be having this conversation with JJ. She didn't think that there was any answer to that question that could make JJ feel better about herself or the situation as a whole. She hesitated slightly before answering.

"I don't know JJ" she hedged. "I don't think anybody could explain what goes through someone's head in a situation like that."

"I may not be a profiler" JJ replied wryly, "but I know when you're not telling me the truth. You might not know exactly why she called me, but you must have some ideas."

Emily sighed. She was pretty sure that JJ knew what the possible reasons were, but needed Emily to verbalise it for her. She wasn't sure whether that would be helpful or not, but she respected JJ enough to accept that she knew what she needed.

"You're right JJ" she said. "We can't know for certain why she called you, but there are two main possibilities. It is often the case that people who have made the decision to kill themselves find that their minds clear immediately before the event. Maybe she realised that it wasn't your fault that the story came out and that she could trust you. She had obviously relied heavily on you before all of this happened; maybe in her final moments she felt that she could depend on you again."

Emily looked over at JJ who nodded slightly before encouraging Emily to continue.

"And the second possibility?" she prompted.

"The second possibility" Emily explained hesitantly, "is that she did blame you for what happened at college and that she knew you well enough to know that you would pull yourself apart with guilt."

"She wanted to punish me" JJ whispered.

Emily looked sharply at her friend who was struggling to stop tears from falling and immediately regretted having answered her question.

"It's only one possibility Jayje" she said gently. "You can't beat yourself up over this. Even if she did blame you, it was because she wasn't thinking clearly."

Emily watched as JJ nodded again before going back to staring out of the window. She was finding this whole situation extremely difficult to deal with. She normally found JJ pretty easy to read; the blonde very much wore her heart on her sleeve, but Emily was finding it nearly impossible to work out what JJ was feeling at the moment, meaning that she really didn't know how to help her. She hoped that JJ would eventually be able to talk to her about it, once the initial shock had worn off.

When they arrived at the police station in Pittsburgh, Emily followed a still silent JJ into the main office, where her friend asked to speak to the first responder that she had spoken to the night before.

"Agent Jareau?" a young looking police officer said as he walked around the front desk. When JJ nodded he shook her hand and introduced himself; "I'm Officer Thomas, we spoke last night. Would you like to follow me?"

JJ introduced Emily to the officer before following him into a small side room. He briefly excused himself as he went to collect the letters. Emily looked over towards JJ who was leaning forward and pinching the bridge of her nose, as she often did when she was stressed. When Officer Thomas returned Emily instinctively moved closer to her friend and put an arm around her shoulders.

"There are 4 letters here" Officer Thomas explained. "They were left in one of the drawers in Polly's dorm room. One is for Mrs Homefeldt, one for a Miss Lauren Jenkins, another for Miss Amber Norman – both friends from Penn State – and there is one for you Agent Jareau."

JJ looked shocked and scared before shakily taking the letter and thanking Officer Thomas. He asked them to explain to Mrs Homefeldt that he would be in touch with her soon to close the case before showing them both out of the station. As they left he offered his condolences to JJ and shook both of their hands again.

Emily led JJ over to a bench outside the station and gently sat her down. JJ was still clutching the four letters in her hand. Emily took three of the letters from her and placed them safely in her handbag, leaving JJ with the letter addressed to her.

"What do want to do Jayje?" she asked.

JJ played absently with the envelope in her hand and looked thoughtful.

"I want to read it" she answered slowly, "but I'd rather be alone, if that's OK."

"Of course it is Jayje" replied Emily. "I'll go for a walk and give Garcia a call – she doesn't know what has happened since we left her. How long do you want?"

"About half an hour" JJ replied before turning to hug Emily and whisper "thank you".

"No problem sweetie" Emily said. "Give me a call if you need me back sooner."

Emily gave JJ one last hug before standing and walking away.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

_JJ_

_I know that I've probably hurt alot of people by making this decision, including you, but I can't carry on with this – it shouldn't be this difficult just to survive._

_Before everything went wrong at college I had just started to think that maybe I could move on from what happened; maybe I could live a normal life. The problem at college just showed me that that wouldn't ever be possible. I'm never going to be able to escape from who I am. However far I travel, there will always be the chance that someone will know or find out what happened. I just can't live under that constant threat._

_When people at college found out what had happened everything just fell apart. People who I had counted as friends stopped talking to me and actually started to cross the road when they saw me. I could hear people whispering behind my back and ending their conversations as soon as I came near to them. It was like it had just happened again – it reminded me of what it was like in North Mammon before I left for College._

_I know what you're thinking – why didn't I talk to you? You saved me when this happened before; when the people who I had grown up with started to ignore me and talk about me. You could get through to me when even my Mom couldn't. I don't know why I couldn't talk to you this time. I tried – I picked up the phone and dialled your number so many times, but I just didn't feel like you could help this time. I was so angry with you. I don't know why I felt like that – I just did. I think maybe I didn't want to be saved this time. Do I really want to live a life where I am constantly worried about people finding out what happened? A life where people judge me for what happened in that room? I guess the fact that I'm writing this letter means that I have decided that I don't._

_I know you're probably beating yourself up about this at the moment and wondering what you could have done to help me and I'm sorry that I've done that to you. I know you would have been here within a few hours if I had called you, just like you have been so many times before, but I didn't want that._

_I want you to know that I finally feel at peace now, for the first time since it happened. My only fear is that Mom won't cope without me, but I know I can rely on you to support her through this._

_You have been a constant source of light in the darkest time of my life JJ and that is exactly what my Mom needs right now. Please be there for her._

_Love always_

_Polly_

JJ wiped the unshed tears away from her eyes. She felt like she couldn't cry anymore. She had thought that the letter would give her some kind of closure, that she would magically feel better when she had read it. Although she was relieved that Polly hadn't been angry with her at the end, she still couldn't bring herself to believe that she had done everything that she could have done. She still felt that Polly's death could have been avoided.

She leant forward on the bench and pinched the bridge of her nose. She was completely exhausted. The few hours of sleep she had had in the car had not been enough to make up for an entire night and, if she was honest, most of the week without sleep. Added to that was the pressure she felt to be there for Judy. She had felt that pressure before she had read the letter, now it was massively intensified by Polly's request. As she was thinking about this she heard someone sit down beside her and felt Emily's hand smoothing her hair behind her left ear. She looked up towards her friend and smiled.

"OK sweetie?" asked Emily.

JJ nodded and silently handed Emily the letter to read – she figured it would be easier than having to explain its contents. She looked down at the floor as Emily read the letter quickly.

"She seems to have reached a certain clarity at the end" mused Emily. "Almost as though she was completely at peace with the decision that she had made."

JJ could feel the tears beginning to form again and mentally cursed herself for showing yet more weakness. Emily had clearly noticed;

"What is it Jayje?" she asked.

JJ paused before answering; "I thought I would feel better after I'd read the letter you know? But I don't. I still feel...God, I don't know...I feel...lost."

"Of course you do Jayje" Emily replied gently. "You've just lost someone that you were extremely close to; someone that you felt responsible for. The letter will make you feel better in time, but at the moment you are grieving. It would be weird if you could feel better after only a few hours. It's natural to feel lost in this situation."

JJ sighed before nodding slightly and saying, "we'd better get back. Judy will be waiting for us."

She tucked the letter safely away in her handbag before allowing Emily to pull her up and lead her back to the car. She stopped her friend just as they reached the car.

"Em" she started hesitantly, "I don't know how to thank you for being here for me. I don't think I could have coped without you here."

"You don't have to thank me Jayje" Emily replied with tears in her eyes. "I couldn't have left you to deal with this alone."

They hugged quickly before getting back in the car to drive back to North Mammon.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

When Emily pulled up to the kerb outside Judy's home she noticed that there were a couple of new cars parked near the house. She guessed that Judy's family had begun to arrive. As she and JJ walked quietly to the front door the door was opened. JJ's aunt looked relieved to see them.

"Judy's family started to arrive about an hour ago" Kate said worriedly. "She had just got to sleep – she hadn't slept at all last night and I told her she was going to make herself ill. They keep trying to insist that they need to wake her up. I've managed to hold them back for now, but I could really do with some support."

"Too late" said JJ ruefully, pointing out Judy walking down the stairs towards them. "It looks like she's up."

Emily watched as JJ walked past her aunt, giving her a reassuring pat on the shoulder and pulled Judy into a quick hug, before pulling back and asking, "What are you doing up Judy? You need to get some sleep."

"I wanted to be up when you got back with the letters" Judy replied tiredly. "Have you got them?"

"Of course" answered JJ, pulling the letters out of her bag. "There was one for you and two for some college friends... and there was one for me."

Judy looked up suddenly. "Have you read it?" she asked.

Emily could see that JJ was trying to hold back the tears as she answered with a slight nod of her head. She walked up behind her friend, putting her arm around her.

"Would you like to read it?" JJ asked, reaching for the letter that was still in her bag.

Judy shook her head. "It's between you and Polly JJ" she said gently, "I don't need to see it."

Seeing someone peering at them from the front room, Emily quickly took control of the situation.

"Judy," she started gently, "Would you like to find somewhere quiet to read your letter from Polly? You could go back up to your bedroom."

"Somewhere quiet?" Judy looked confused.

"Your family have started to arrive" explained Kate. "Your sister is here with her husband and your brother has brought your Mom."

"Danielle is here?" Judy asked tearfully. When Kate nodded, Judy continued with, "Could you ask her to come out here? I'd like her to be with me when I'm reading the letter."

Emily watched as JJ led Judy up the stairs to her bedroom. She then joined Kate in the front room, where she was telling Danielle that she was wanted upstairs. Judy's sister immediately left the room, leaving her husband who was on the phone to what sounded like a funeral home. As she walked further into the room she could see that Judy's brother and Mom were in the kitchen preparing some food. At this point JJ joined them in the room; her pale face streaked with tears. Emily stood by as Kate drew JJ into a hug.

As JJ pulled back, Kate said "I think that they can probably cope without us now JJ. When Judy comes back down I think we should make a move. You and Emily can stay with me tonight and then you can go home in the morning so you can see Henry. I'm sure your boss will give you the time to come to the funeral – if you're not on a case."

JJ nodded her agreement and they all moved to sit on the sofa. As they sat JJ explained to her Aunt what had been written in Polly's letter to her, promising to show her the full letter when they left Judy's place. They then moved on to small talk whilst they waited for Judy to come downstairs. Emily talked a little about her own family and JJ brought her Aunt up to date on Henry's progress.

When they heard footsteps on the stairs JJ moved quickly out of the room to talk to Judy while Kate and Emily prepared to leave. When JJ, Judy and Danielle entered the room JJ gave them a slight nod of her head and they all hugged Judy one last time before leaving, Kate also making sure that Judy understood that she could call her whenever she needed to.

They walked quietly to Emily's car. They were all exhausted; JJ and Emily from the case they had just returned from and Kate as she had spent almost all of the previous night in the hospital. They quickly arrived at Kate's house where Emily and JJ collected their bags from the car before trudging tiredly into the house. Kate's husband, Paul, met his wife and her niece with a huge bear hug each and shook Emily by the hand once they had been introduced.

"I'm going to put some dinner on" he said. "How does Lasagne sound to everyone?"

"Great" they all replied.

"Then why don't you all get settled in upstairs" he continued. "It'll take about an hour to get this ready. You could take a bath, have a nap – it's up to you."

Kate explained that JJ and Emily would be sharing the guest room. She asked JJ to show Emily where everything was and told them all that she would be having a nap – she was exhausted.

"There's the en-suite and the main bathroom if you both want a bath" she said. "You know where we keep the towels JJ."

"You go and get some sleep" JJ said gently as they all walked up the stairs. "You must be exhausted."

Kate merely smiled before walking into the first room on the right. JJ led Emily into a room a few doors down which contained two twin beds and a couple of comfy chairs.

"What do you want to do Em?" JJ asked her.

Emily thought for a while. She was sure that what JJ needed was a quick power nap before dinner and felt that she would find that difficult if she was worried about entertaining Emily.

"I'll take a bath if that's OK with you Jayje" she said. "I'll use the main bathroom so you can really get some sleep in here without me bothering you."

"You don't have to worry about me" JJ argued. "I'm pretty sure I'll sleep through anything at the moment."

Emily insisted though, so JJ showed her to the main bathroom and gave her some towels before retiring back to their room. Emily locked the door and began to run a bath. She took a book out of her bag and settled down to read while she waited for the bath to fill. Once it was ready she slipped into the warm water and felt some of the tension slowly leave her body. After 30 minutes she figured she had given JJ enough time to fall asleep so she got out of the bath, slipped on some jeans and a fluffy jumper and walked quietly back to the guest room. JJ was fast asleep on the bed nearest the window so Emily lay quietly on her own bed and opened her book. She had barely read 10 words before her own eyes closed and she fell asleep.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

JJ was gently pulled out of a deep sleep by a comforting hand shaking her shoulder. She slowly opened her eyes to see her Aunt standing above her.

"JJ sweetheart" Kate said quietly, "dinner is nearly ready. Wake Emily up and we'll see you both in the kitchen in 10 minutes, if that's OK."

JJ nodded in reply, before looking over at the sleeping form of her friend on the bed next to hers. She was surprised that Emily had fallen asleep; JJ figured she wouldn't have had much time to sleep after her bath. Checking her watch quickly, she got her answer when she realised that her Uncle must have kept dinner on a slow boil, since it was nearly 2 hours since they had arrived back from Judy's. She padded over to the other bed and gently shook Emily's shoulder whilst softly calling her name. Emily, as always, was quick to wake. She sat up within seconds, looking slightly annoyed with herself.

"I didn't mean to go to sleep" she said grumpily. "What time is it?"

"Nearly 8:30" JJ replied. "You must have needed the sleep. Aunt Kate has just been in – dinner's ready. I'm guessing Paul held it off to let us get some sleep. I'm going to use the main bathroom to freshen up if you'd like to use the en-suite."

Emily agreed as JJ left the room and walked to the bathroom, where she brushed her teeth and washed her face before returning to the guest room so that she could show her friend down to the kitchen. As they walked into the large, cosy looking room the enticing smell of garlic hit them.

"That smells wonderful" JJ said as she hugged her Uncle. He smiled before inviting them all to sit down at the table, where he served them all big plates loaded with lasagne, salad and garlic bread. They all sat and began to eat, making small talk as they were eating. JJ hadn't realised how hungry she was and she quickly demolished the delicious meal, noticing that her Aunt and Emily were not far behind.

"So how's my favourite little slugger then?" Paul asked as they all finished eating.

JJ smiled warmly before replying, "He's great thanks. He's running all over the place now. You really need eyes in the back of your head; he's an absolute menace!"

"He's keeping you busy then?" Paul asked.

"Definitely" JJ said, "but I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Of course you wouldn't" Kate said. "He's absolutely gorgeous. We'll have to come down and visit you some time soon so we can see him again – it's been months!"

"You'd be very welcome" JJ said, before standing up and saying, "I'm just going to give Garcia a call to check on him. I won't be a minute."

"Take as long as you need" Kate responded.

JJ pulled her phone out and speed dialled Garcia's number as she walked into the front room, where she knew she would have some privacy.

"Hey Jayje" Garcia answered. "How are you doing?"

"I'm good Garcia" JJ replied, "or as good as I can be."

She knew that there was no point in lying to her friend, who would see through all of her insistence that she was fine.

"I'm glad sugar" her friend said gently. "Henry is absolutely fine. He's fast asleep at the moment having run rings around his Uncle Derek all day."

"Has Derek been helping you out with him?" JJ asked. "Could you thank him for me?"

"I would" Garcia replied, "but he's also fast asleep. Seems he can happily deal with serial killers and mass murderers, but an 18 month old boy is a step too far."

JJ laughed gently before continuing, "We're going to drive back tomorrow after breakfast. Judy's family have arrived, so we're not really needed here anymore. I'm going to pop in to see her in the morning, but then I'll come back to DC. I'm hoping Hotch will give me time for the funeral when it comes."

"I'm sure he will sweetie" Garcia told her. "What time do you think you'll be back tomorrow?"

"Some time in the afternoon" JJ answered. "We'll leave here about 10ish, once we've checked in on Judy."

"Would you and Em like me to get something ready for dinner?" Garcia asked. "Derek will probably be here again and I could invite the others as well. Unless you just want some time alone?"

"No. I think I'd actually like to spend some time with you all" JJ said thoughtfully. "Sometimes you just need family, you know?"

"No problem sweetie. I'll get that sorted. See you tomorrow Jayje." With that Garcia ended the call.

JJ joined the others in the kitchen and told them what she had agreed with Garcia.

"If you want to be on your way by 10" her aunt said, "I think we should all get to bed. Especially if you want to drop in on Judy in the morning."

They all agreed without argument and the house was dark and silent within 30 minutes as they succumbed to the comfort of sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

When Emily woke it was still dark outside. At first she couldn't work out why she had woken, but then she heard the sound of rustling coming from the corner of the room, followed by a whispered swear word.

"JJ?" she said sleepily. "What are doing?"

"I'm fine Em" came to whispered reply, "go back to sleep."

"That doesn't answer my question Jayje" Emily said quietly. "It's..." she checked her watch, "3:30 in the morning. Why are you out of bed?"

JJ sighed and turned on the lamp next to her bed. Emily was concerned that her friend looked paler and, if it were possible, more tired than she had done earlier in the day.

"I couldn't sleep and my hand is throbbing" JJ snapped. "I'm trying to find some painkillers."

She continued to rummage in her go-bag, finally emerging with a blister pack of painkillers.

"I'd forgotten about your hand" Emily said lightly, trying to bring JJ down from whatever funk she was in. "How does it feel?"

JJ got back into bed, having already choked the drugs down dry.

"I'd forgotten about it, if I'm honest" she replied. "I think that I was fine as long as I had something else to think about, but I've been awake for about 4 hours now and I started to notice the pain."

"Oh Jayje" Emily said regretfully, "why didn't you wake me?"

"If we're going to make it DC alive tomorrow" JJ replied sardonically, "one of us needs to get some sleep."

Recognising the sense in what her friend was saying Emily laughed quietly and said, "True, but maybe if you'd taken some painkillers earlier, we could both have had some sleep. Or was it not just the pain that woke you?"

JJ sighed again, "God, I hate working with profilers" she said.

"Nightmares?" Emily asked, hoping that she sounded understanding.

Emily watched as JJ merely nodded in response to her question. She had expected this to happen, but had hoped that JJ could have had at least one good night's sleep.

"You want to talk about it?" she offered.

"There's not much to say really" JJ replied shakily. "I just keep hearing that last conversation, but in the dreams it doesn't end there. I can hear her jumping; I can hear the wind as she falls and then I hear her...land."

Emily watched as her friend's face crumpled and she began to cry as she finished talking and immediately jumped out of her own bed and enveloped JJ in a hug. As she hugged her, stroking her back in an attempt to calm the tears, she also spoke to JJ, explaining that it was natural to have nightmares after a trauma. Even to herself her words sounded empty, but despite all of her training, she genuinely had no idea how to make JJ feel better. She felt and heard JJ stop crying after a few minutes, but didn't pull out of the hug until she heard JJ's breathing become slow and regular and felt JJ go limp in her arms. She gently laid a sleeping JJ back on the bed and covered her with the duvet, before turning the bedside lamp off and getting back into her own bed. She sleepily hoped that JJ would stay asleep for the rest of the night, before dropping off to sleep herself.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

JJ woke with a start when the alarm on her phone went off at 8:30. She heard Emily groan and watched as her friend tried to hit out to stop the noise. She pulled her phone out her Emily's reach and turned the alarm off. She smiled as she watched Emily groggily sit up and look confused as she took in her surroundings. It was only a matter of seconds, however, before she saw recognition in her friend's eyes.

"Did you sleep?" Emily asked.

"I did thanks" she replied, feeling slightly embarrassed when she realised that her last memory was of crying on Emily's shoulder, again. "Thanks for last night Emily."

"No problem" Emily replied with a smile. "Now hadn't we better get moving if we're going to have time to see Judy before we drive home."

JJ's mood immediately plummeted. She was beginning to wish that she hadn't promised that they would visit Judy this morning. She felt that it would probably be a pointless task – they had said everything they needed to say, for the time being, yesterday and JJ was sure that they wouldn't be needed there now that the family had arrived. Still, she had promised, so she didn't feel like she could stay away. They would just have to make it a short visit.

Emily, obviously sensing the dip in her mood, bustled around the room and ordered JJ into the bathroom to prepare for the day. JJ showered and changed quickly before returning to the guest room where a fully dressed and packed Emily was waiting for her. They both took their bags out to the car before meeting JJ's aunt and uncle in the kitchen where breakfast was waiting for them.

As they tucked into a full cooked breakfast JJ and her aunt made firm plans for her aunt and uncle to visit her and Henry in July. Her aunt talked excitedly about taking them all to the zoo and out for dinner, inviting Emily to join them. They finished eating at around 9:30, so JJ and Emily quickly said their goodbyes before getting into Emily's car for the short drive to Judy's house.

"Are you sure about this Jayje?" Emily asked as they drove up to the house.

"Not really" JJ replied honestly. "I just don't think it is going to achieve anything and I think we may just get in the way, but I promised so we have to visit."

Emily nodded sympathetically. "We'll just drop in" she said. "We don't need to stop for long."

They had arrived at the house at this point, so they both got out of the car and walked towards the door. Emily looked at JJ before ringing the bell. JJ nodded and they both waited for someone to answer the door. JJ was surprised when Judy herself opened the door and hugged them both before inviting them onto the front room. She looked still looked drawn and exhausted, but appeared more 'with it' than she had been the previous day. She offered them tea, which they both refused, explaining that they needed to get back to DC to collect Henry.

"How are you doing Judy?" JJ asked, immediately cursing herself for asking such a stupid question.

"OK" said Judy. "I'm still...I don't know...lost, you know? But, my family have been great. They're organising everything for me. I haven't had to do anything. I'm not sure that is a good thing though; too much time to think, but I'm glad my sister is here – I know I can talk to her about anything and she won't judge; she'll just listen."

"Is there anything that I can do to help?" JJ asked.

"You've been fantastic JJ" replied Judy earnestly, "but no – I think you should get back to that gorgeous son of yours. I would appreciate it though, if you could come to the funeral – it is probably going to be this time next week, I'll contact you with the details."

"Of course I'll be there" JJ replied.

"I understand that you might get called away" interrupted Judy.

"I'm sure Hotch will do his best to make sure JJ can get here" Emily reassured her.

They were interrupted at this point by Judy's sister Danielle, who repeated Judy's offer of tea. JJ stood and explained that they both had to be on their way. She hugged Judy and shook Danielle's hand. As she turned to leave, Danielle pulled her into a hug and thanked her for helping her sister. JJ shrugged off her thanks, explaining that she only wished that she could have done more.

"From what Judy has told me" Danielle answered her, "you were part of the reason she didn't do this earlier. You couldn't possibly have done more."

JJ thanked her and led Emily to the door. They both said their good-byes and made their way to Emily's car. When they got in the car JJ turned the music on and settled back in her seat, closing her eyes. She hoped that Emily would recognise that she needed some time to be alone with her thoughts. That was her last coherent thought before she dropped into a restless sleep.

"_Polly...No" she could hear herself screaming down the phone, but she looked up and saw that she wasn't outside the bar with a worried Derek Morgan by her side, but was stood on the edge of a balcony looking down at the ground hundreds of metres away._

_She willed herself to walk back from the edge, but could feel her feet carrying her forward. She desperately tried to stop as she felt her body lean forward over the edge, but she couldn't move or react in any way._

_And then she was falling. She could feel and hear the wind pushing past her body; the noise was deafening and the force of the fall was unimaginable. As she looked down she could see the ground getting closer and closer and..._

She awoke with a start, immediately sitting forward in her seat and taking a deep, panicked breath. She felt the car jerk to one side as Emily looked at her in shock.

"Shit JJ" she said. "You scared me half to death. Are you OK?"

JJ was still trying desperately hard to catch her breath, the memory of falling through the air still upmost in her mind. Emily must have sensed her panic, because she quickly indicated and pulled over to the side of the road. She took JJ's hands in her own.

"JJ" she said calmly. "It's OK. It was just a nightmare. You're OK."

Making a supreme effort JJ managed to calm her breathing and smile shakily at her friend.

"Sorry if I scared you" she said with a shaky laugh. "It was just...I was..."

"It's OK" said Emily gently. "You don't need to explain if you don't want to."

JJ nodded and smiled, leaning back into her seat as Emily pulled back into the traffic. After a few minutes she had calmed herself enough to notice that they were very close to home – about 10 minutes from Garcia's if she had calculated correctly.

"Have I slept all the way home?" she asked incredulously.

Emily smiled before replying, "Pretty much – yeah. How are you feeling?"

"Better" JJ replied simply.

"In comparison to what?" asked Emily wisely.

"In comparison to a few minutes ago" JJ replied honestly. "I think I'm going to appreciate the sleep I've had in a few minutes, but at the moment I'm still a bit..." She paused, not able to think of a word to describe how she was feeling.

"Weird?" asked Emily.

"Yeah" she agreed. "Just a bit off...weird – you're right."

Emily stopped the car; they had arrived at Garcia's apartment block. JJ could see that at least 3 other members of the team were already there – she could see Rossi's, Reid's and Morgan's cars parked outside.

"Do you want to take a minute before we go in?" Emily asked.

JJ thought for a moment, before deciding that she may as well make a move; she was feeling calmer already and she really wanted to see Henry.

"No" she said to Emily. "I'm fine, let's go."

They both walked up to Garcia's apartment and pushed open the unlocked door. They were immediately greeted by an exuberant Garcia, who quickly hugged Emily before moving onto JJ.

"Angel!" she exclaimed, pulling JJ into a very comforting hug. "How are you doing, sweetie?"

JJ could feel the emotion threatening to overtake her, so she merely nodded in reply to her friend's question. She could hear Emily talking quietly to the men – Hotch was there as well, having obviously been given a lift by another member of the team. She was glad that Emily was speaking to them first. If her friend explained everything, she wouldn't need to answer their questions herself.

"Mama". She heard her son scream as she came tearing towards her. She picked him up and spun him around before pulling him to her for a hug. He babbled away to her as she held him. She occasionally recognised the odd word – Uncle Dek had obviously found a new fan and Auntie Pen-P was ever popular. She spoke to him too, telling him how much she had missed him.

After a few minutes, he began to struggle to get down so he could show his Mom what he and Uncle Dek had got up to with the paper, glue and glitter that Auntie Pen-P had provided. JJ couldn't help but laugh when she saw Derek Morgan absolutely covered in pink and silver glitter.

"Not funny baby girl" he said, pretending to sulk. "I don't know how you do it 24-7, I really don't."

"Well, I wouldn't normally give him glitter and glue" JJ replied, looking at Garcia suspiciously, "but you've done a fantastic job. He's full of everything he's been doing with his Uncle Dek and Auntie Pen-P."

She could see that Derek was as proud as a peacock that he had been given a Henry-style nickname.

"I've really enjoyed spending time with him" he said warmly. "I'm going to have to do it more often."

"Be careful what you say" JJ warned. "I may take you up on that!"

Derek walked up to her and pulled her into a hug. "Anytime" he said.

At that point the whole team led JJ into the main room, where they sat down on the sofa and sat themselves around her.

"So" Garcia said. "We thought we'd watch a cheesy chick flick this afternoon - Derek can't wait – and then we're going to order in a Chinese later on. How does that sound?"

"It sounds great guys" JJ replied. "Thanks for being here."

They all replied that it was no problem – they were glad to be here for her. JJ sat back in the seat as the film started – she had never felt so loved.

**A/N – I'm going to leave it there. Thanks to those of you who have reviewed this story. I have really struggled with this one, and your reviews have really motivated me!**


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